if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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