Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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