did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
