I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
