Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You smell like stripper and shame
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
