dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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