just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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