why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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