Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
