after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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