Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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