Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
