Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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