I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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