allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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