i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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