Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
