if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
