I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
