i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
