she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
