K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
