I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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