So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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