I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
