Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
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you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
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Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...