So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
