two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
