I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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