Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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