I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
