last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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