She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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