Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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