1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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