I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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