Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
