yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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