its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
