He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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