if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So much rum. So many feels.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
