Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
