I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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