i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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