I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
