Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
They took my balls.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
