i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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