kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
