so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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