tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
