I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
