I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
