I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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