when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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