I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
